That which ties us together
by hoshinairi
Summary: This is mostly Rukia's thoughts on the men that have been an important part of her life. Mainly Ichi/Ruki but also contains Rukia/Kaien. Just a little something I thought of sharing.


**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach! If I did, I wouldn't be writing fanfics :(

**A/N: **Hi, this is my second try at fanfic so I would appreciate feedback if anyone finds it interesting because I'm quite nervous about this piece. It's an idea that just wouldn't leave me alone! This is an Ichi/Ruki and Rukia/Kaien sotry so if you are not comfortable with the pairings go back before it's too late to revert any permanent damage!

Ok so the timeline is pretty much open but I am assuming that Ichigo and Rukia are already in a relationship and I took some pretty...interesting liberties with Rukia and Kaien's past. _Italics _are used when she is remembering the past, and ' ' are for thoughts.

***Its rated T for adult situations and mentions of sex***

* * *

**That which ties us together**

...

Memories

…

and the Rain

She was sitting at the foot of Ichigo's bed. His even breathing lulling her heart into a steadier, calmer rhythm. She'd been having nightmares again and, even if she felt a little silly sitting there while he wasn't even aware of her presence, just being around him made her feel less uneasy. Rukia had opened the window when she'd first arrived and was startled when the sky lit up momentarily.

'It looks like a storm is coming...'

She gazed tiredly at the sky as the clouds slowly gathered and merged creating ominous patterns that made her ill at ease. Goose bumps rose on her forearms and she knew all to well the kind of cold that was creeping over her. She absent mindedly tried to rid herself of the chills that were inadvertently lodging themselves under her skin.

'It wasn't always like this but it's hard to remember how it was before.'

The rain hadn't always had this effect on her she reflected. So many years had passed since the last time she'd actually been happy under it that the feeling had become foreign to her. Melancholy was slowly creeping into her, a feeling she was well acquainted with, and she resigned herself to welcome it into her heart if only for a little while. She blamed her mood on the weather.

A shiver ran down her spine as a cool droplet of rain touched her face. She looked up and couldn't make out if it had started raining or not. For a moment she wondered if she had imagined the sole little droplet. When she reminisced of the past on nights like these she usually ended up feeling things she thought she'd long since forgotten. A whisper, a touch, a teasing hand on the nape of her neck, laughter, the feeling of the rain as it pelted on her skin, her hands covered in his blood.... Blood that no matter how much she rubbed off, or how many times she closed and reopened her eyes, never failed to stain her hands a bright and ominous red.

Her bloody hands were an apparent side effect of the rain, one always accompanied by the other, never failing to remind her of the sins for which she would never be forgiven; for which she would never forgive herself.

"Kaien-dono..."

She said his name out loud for the first time in years and was surprised to find it's taste on her mouth still bitter. She touched the tips of her fingers to her lips. Maybe if she rubbed them a little the aftertaste would fade away.

'Another sleepless night.'

She thought as she ran a frustrated hand through her bangs. Ichigo was fast asleep and she thanked Kami-sama for the small favor. He'd been worrying over her. She knew he hadn't been sleeping well on her account and felt guilty about it but she wasn't ready to confide in another the reason for her nightmares. Ichigo knew, generally speaking, about Kaien and Rukia had told him, on a particularly quiet night between the two, that she'd been in love with Kaien fifty five years ago. She trusted Ichigo, this wasn't about trust though. It was about giving voice to her demons, about baring parts of her to him that resided deeply within her and no one had ever seen. About telling him things only she knew of herself and wished to forget. It would be bearing not only her soul but her sins for him to see and she wasn't ready. Not when her heart still ached, not when her wounds would reopen so easily still... She needed time to tell him all about her life before him and thankfully he understood that need better than anyone else who had been privy to her life before had.

Ichigo had always held a special place in her heart. They understood each other painfully well and the company of the other had become over time for the both of them a pillar to draw strength from when things just turned out to be too much. She turned her face from the gloomy sky and her memories to examine him. The boy she'd met that night had been slowly blossoming into adulthood. His shoulders had broadened and muscle won during countless battles had filled his shape nicely into a masculine but not overly bulky figure. He'd grown taller to her utter dismay and she had been the butt of one too many of his height jokes. Even though their fighting never seemed to cease he wouldn't frown as much as before. He'd also learned to smile, a small secretive smile, that was reserved only for her on the rarest occasions and that she treasured more than any other attribute he could have gained over the years.

She felt her heart swell and she awed at the fact that even remembering his smile could affect her mood so strongly. Ichigo was the force that had started her world gravitating again. He had unfrozen her stopped time with his warm and stubborn light and she would be eternally grateful to him for accomplishing what no other could after Kaien's death.

She looked at him intently, commending his un-frowning face to memory as he slept oblivious to her presence in his room. Her pose relaxed a little and her eyes softened. She'd been terrified of the intensity of her feelings towards him at first. She'd even tried to distance herself from him. Love was not something she had ever again willingly welcomed into her heart. The thought of sharing herself so fully with another after so many years of solitude was infinitely more terrorizing than appealing to her. She didn't think her heart was ready for the intimacy of loving and being loved once more. After Kaien she thought it never would. It hadn't even been a question about the physical aspect that all relationships seemed to entail (although she had worried a little about it) but more about the sharing of one's own being. About laying her heart out to him where it would be vulnerable to being shattered again.

It had taken her awhile to realize that not only did she love him but she was _in love _with him. After that her world had spiraled into chaos and she'd berated herself for the foolishness that was entrusting her heart so thoroughly to another after it's first run in with disappointment and regret.

'Have I learned nothing?'

She had though horrified at the time and had decided that leaving the human world would be the best course of action for the benefit of them both. The only thing that had gone wrong with her plan was that Ichigo hadn't let go of her as easily as she thought he would. He'd held on to her stubbornly and had insisted on her staying. After he had confronted her as she had intended to leave without word to him one night, they'd fought through the discovery of their mutual feelings of love, a lot like they would fight about anything and everything else. She had learned then that she wasn't the only one in love...and so she stayed, the decision had been as simple as that.

She loved Kurosaki ichigo with all she had. She was as sure as she'd been back then...

'...back when Kaien-dono...'

"_Kaien-dono...." _

_She saw the reproach in his eyes. He'd told her a million times that the honorific wasn't necessary between them, that he felt it was her way of keeping her distance from him but she'd never relented. Just as he was absentmindedly going to tell her to call him Kaien for the hundredth time her words left him speechless. _

"_...we can't keep doing this. __**I**__ can't keep doing this..." _

_She turned to look at him then. He stood there, in the middle of the room, looking at her in a sort of paralyzed shock. His expression would have been comical if it weren't for the seriousness of the conversation._

"_Miyako-sama is a good woman Kaien-dono and..."_

_She suddenly stopped. She just didn't know what to say. How can you broach a subject like this? Kaien just stood there stupefied and she felt silly and awkward. She just wanted to leave. She wanted to leave the room, leave him, leave her feelings and memories behind. Leave everything along with the room and close that chapter of her life. _

_Rukia turned away to do just that and just as she was about to open the door her hand was pulled with a force that made her turn around. Kaien stood there breathing hard and looking like a wounded puppy. _

"_What are you trying to say Rukia? Why were you going to leave...would you really leave me behind? Would it really be so easy for you to forget about us?"_

_His words were spoken carefully, a contrast to his desperate hold on her bruising wrist. She had expected him to fight her just not like this. Her heart ached and she turned her face from him._

"_Kaien-dono you're hurting me." _

_Her statement was met with another forceful tug of her wrist but even then she refused to cry out or look at him._

"_Let go."_

"_Answer me Rukia...please. Don't you love me?"_

_She wished he would just stop this. She wished he'd be the one to tell her that their affair had to end. That she had been just a moment of weakness while truthfully he loved his wife and no other. If only things were that simple she'd be able to let go. _ _She had to keep talking or she'd loose her nerve. She had to end this tonight, after all, the three of them deserved better... _

" _We're only hurting each other...Kaien-dono...Miyako-sama already knows..."_

_That seemed to take him by surprise. He slowly released her wrist and she suddenly felt like crying. She had to get out of there, she had to tear him away from her heart. _

"_I have to go..."_

_She said in a strained voice and when she turned her face towards him, he had a clear view of the desperation that mated her haunting eyes. He knew he should let her get on with her life. He knew the hurt he was causing her...and his wife but he loved them and he honestly thought he wouldn't be able to go on if one of them just wasn't in his life anymore. It was selfish and horrible but he wanted both. Miyako provided him with the safety of a home he would always be able to return to, she'd been there for him ever since he could remember. Her presence had always been a comfort to him. He couldn't imagine life without her and yet their love was tender and warm, like the rays of the sun on a peaceful spring day. He felt safe and loved with her and hadn't realized that anything was lacking in their relationship until he met _her_._

_Rukia on the other hand had been able, without really trying, to ignite a fire in him. She was lively and hot to the point of burning but she could also be icy and distant to the point of frivolity. She was a confusing woman, an enigma that intrigued him and, just like a moth is drawn to the flame that becomes it's final resting place, he had been drawing closer to her since day one. Desires he didn't know he had began manifesting themselves in his dreams __and while awake...he was going crazy and not even the peace his home and wife had provided before could erase the painful and almost brutal longing he felt. He wanted to poses her, to mark her as his. No other man would touch her because she belonged to him... _

_Miyako had once been the light in his life but that light had faded to a dull glow. Rukia consumed him, she wasn't a light, she was a wild fire whose flames licked his skin leaving it inflamed. He would burn every time his skin came in contact with hers and the need was so great that he never knew how to go about it in a gentle manner. _

"_Rukia don't!"_

_He held on to her shinigami robes and she gave a surprised gasp when he pulled her back to his chest in a desperate embrace._

"_Kaien-dono!"_

_She said as she fought him. She was angry at him and if, given the chance, would have definitely punched him but she was even angrier at herself because she wasn't strong enough to just let go of him._

"_...I love you. I can't live without you. Please...please..."_

_His hands were trembling and she couldn't help but caress them in a soothing manner. Her vision was blurring and she knew already that it was too late to stop the oncoming flood of tears. Just like that the door that would lead her out of this whole mess had closed effortlessly, just as if it had never been opened in the first place._

"_I hate you."_

_She said but her voice had trembled and the words had come devoid of the emotion they had been meant to convey._

"_I know..."_

_He said just as softly while he turned her body towards him to hold her as she cried. The gentle patter of rain against the roof was the only sound besides Rukia's quiet crying._

'_When did it start raining?'_

_Was Kaien's last thought as he turned his attention to the woman he loved with all of his heart. That night he had tried to be gentle with her, he had tried to love her as she deserved but the sex had turned angry and possessive. He was furious at her for trying to leave and she was furious at herself for being so weak in the heart. Things had spiraled out of control and he had ended up hurting her once more even when hurting her was far from his real intention._

_

* * *

_

"_What?" _

_She felt numb and sick. If news about her death had reached her then that only meant that he must already know too..._

'_Kami-sama...please let me find him. Please. Please. Please.'_

_Was the only thought running through her head as she headed towards his house. _

"_Kaien-dono!" _

_She called out to him as she saw a lone figure sitting brokenly on the terrace. Even the house seemed cold and uninviting. She fell on her knees before him and gently caressed his face with the back of one hand._

"_Kaien-dono..."_

_She called more calmly now. Now that she knew he was there and he was safe... _

_She didn't know if it was the caress or maybe hearing her call out his name but something in his expression changed. His face scrunched up, a sad frown appeared on it and, after calling her name brokenly, he buried his face on her torso and cried his heart out. She didn't know how long they stayed like that, or even when she had started crying herself all she did know was that she loved him and was so shamefully relieved when she saw that he was there, that he hadn't left..._

_So when he tugged her to him and kissed her in a bruising manner she didn't protest. She knew he was angry and sad. She felt that way herself. If the only way he knew to rid himself of the pain was by manifesting his aggression this way then so be it. She wouldn't leave him. Not now, after all that had happened. She was trapped in his web and if trying to get free from it only made the web wound around her body tighter, she would stop struggling and give herself to it completely._

_

* * *

_"_I'm sorry...sorry about everything Rukia. I was selfish and now I've payed the price for my mistakes."_

_He said as he hugged her fiercely._

"_Kaien-dono..."_

_Something was wrong. She had a feeling, an inkling as to where this conversation was going and she didn't like it. Ever since Miyako-sama's death Rukia had become Kaien's everything. He had refused to let her go alone anywhere, he had begged her to stay away from missions. He had even refused to let her sleep alone... She should have been happy but she wasn't. Their relationship wasn't healthy and she'd realized that it never had been. _

_Kaien had become obsessed with finding his late wife's murderer. Anger and hate were slowly consuming him and Rukia knew that nothing short of revenge would appease his tortured soul. He cherished her in new ways but had become distant in others. She knew it was only a matter of time before she lost him to revenge or insanity._

_Then the news came one night. The Hollow had been found and had gone on another shinigami killing spree. Kaien had looked at her with pleading eyes and she'd felt that their roles had been reversed. She'd shook her head frantically and Kaien had kissed her. She felt like he was saying goodbye and the nervous feeling that had failed to leave when she'd found him the day Miyako-sama had died made itself known again._

"_Kaien!" _

_She said as he turned to leave. _

" _Rukia... I...my intention was never to make you suffer...I hope you can at least forgive my naiveness.... I'm truly sorry, for everything and...thank you..."_

'_You are free to go. I release you...'_

_That's what it sounded to her. She knew the reason as to why he was letting her go. He thought he wouldn't make it. He'd fight the hollow that had killed Miyako-dono alone. He broke into a run and left her startled form behind. _

"_Kaien-dono!"_

_No. Not like this! Not now. She wasn't ready to let him go. She knew what he intended to do. A terror like no other gripped her heart and even as she understood why he had finally relented his hold on her she couldn't agree with his decision. _

_She ran out into the rain, to search for him, to make sure he made it back to her alive. _

_Everything after that became a horrible blur and before she understood what was happening she was there, with him in her arms. The rain and blood soaking into her shinigami robes mercilessly. _

_She was horrified beyond belief. She had stabbed him. He was dying. She had killed Kaien-dono. Those three sentences kept repeating themselves in her mind over and over. She was numb. The edges of her vision were blurring and she would have fainted from shock if his voice hadn't alerted her to the fact that he was still alive although fatally wounded._

"_I really...do love you Rukia. I was such an idiot."_

_He told her as he held her cheek tenderly. She was too shocked to move, too shocked to breathe, too shocked to process what he was telling her at the moment. There was blood everywhere and although it was the first time in months that she saw the gentleness in his eyes that had made her fall for him in the first place, all she felt was a despair so great that she thought she'd drown in it._

"_Kaien..." _

_Was the only word that escaped her in a broken whisper before she heaved a sob and started crying._

"_I'm s-sorry...I-I-"_

"_Don't cry Rukia. You...saved me. I'm sorry for th-the way I treated you...and..."_

_He weezed and cursed. Just a little longer. Why did things always turn out this way for him? He wanted to tell her so many things. He wanted her to understand that cowardice had been the only thing truly keeping him from being happy at her side. Blood was pouring from his mouth steadily and yet he tried to hold on long enough so that he could tell her. _

"_Stop talking you idiot! U-Ukitake-taichou!...Taichou!"_

_She was desperate. He was dying in her arms and what in reality must have been but seconds felt like hours to her. She knew that his wounds were fatal, she had aimed to kill after all...but her heart kept telling her that if only they could get him medical attention, if only Ukitake-taichou could do something. ANYTHING... _

_Ukitake juts kept silent and nodded his head. A solemn expression on his face. His heart was breaking but there was nothing any of them could do. The only thing he could do for his fukutaichou right now was let him say his goodbyes. _

"_...wish I had gone about this differently...wish I could have held you like you deserved."_

_Ukitake felt like he was invading on a very private moment but he wasn't surprised at what he was hearing. On retrospect he should have know. He had seen Kaien and Miyako's relationship deteriorate. He had wondered many times about Kaien's behavior towards Rukia and the last weeks had been turbulent between them at best. He had suspected an affair but had never thought that things had gotten so out of hand between them. Kaien's strained voice brought him back from his musings._

"_I'm glad that I can leave my heart...with y-you Rukia."_

_His eyes looked dim. Life was leaving him and Rukia felt like he was taking her heart away with him. He tried to look into her crying face once more but it was impossible for him to focus. He just wished he could have seen her smile instead of cry. He wished they could have had this conversation sooner and that he would have been able to hold her tenderly, to love her and not hurt her but all those things that could have been would not have a chance to be anymore. He reached blindly for her face and she took a hold of his hand and placed it on her cheek once more. _

_He gave her a chaste kiss so tender that she wondered for a fleeting moment if she had imagined it. She didn't need words to understand what that kiss desperately wanted to convey. She guided his head to the crook of her neck and hugged him securely to her._

"_I forgive you Kaien..for everything..."_

_She said between tears and just as if those words were all that he had been waiting from the beginning of their last conversation, he smiled into her hair and heaved a sigh of relief with his last breath leaving her alone, with bloodstained hands under the pouring rain. _

_

* * *

_Ichigo had woken up from a nightmare. It was the same one that had haunted him for years and his mood turned sour fast when he saw that his window was open and part of his bed was wet from the downpour that was falling outside. Muttering a curse he got up from the bed to find that his heart had suddenly stopped beating. Rukia was sitting there. She was looking into nothingness, her eyes were half closed and her lips parted. A vacant expression was on her otherwise stunning and soaked face. He went to the window and carefully wrapped his arms about her waist so as not to stun her.

She seemed surprised to see him there and he knew that she had probably been to deep into her thoughts to notice the fact that he had woken up. He helped her down from the window and held her cold face between his hands. Her lips had turned blue and were trembling slightly. She opened her mouth to tell him something but his hands on her lips made the words die without leaving her mouth.

"Nightmares?" he said. She nodded her head as her eyes closed. She was enjoying his warmth and feather like touches. His heart constricted at her silent answer and suddenly he understood why she'd been so adamant about telling him what had been bothering her. These demons were her own and until she felt ready to confide in him there was nothing more he could do but to offer her a warm embrace and soothing words. No one would understand these feelings better than him and so he held her as she trembled, helped her change into dry clothes and dried her hair with a towel.

"I-Ichigo...can I stay tonight?"

She had voiced her request in a whisper and he stopped drying her hair to for a moment, his hands and towel on her head as he gave her a heart warming smile and a nod. She couldn't help but to smile back and he kissed her forehead in a tender gesture that had her belly doing flip flops in no time. He had given her the special smile, she realized, the one that was just hers and the knowledge brought an inexplicable warmth to her heart. As he lay down and brought her close to his body she had the inexplicable urge to cry.

"I love you..."

Those words were her undoing and she _did_ cry then. She kissed him soundly and he responded to her kiss eagerly. No more was spoken that night between them because no words were needed throughout their exchange. Her heart was swelling with love for this man and she had to admit that after being scared to love for so long she felt relieved to have found someone like Ichigo. He brought forth things in her that even she didn't understand but she had come to realize that the unknown wasn't always bad and that second chances didn't happen everyday, or every fifty years for that matter...Life couldn't always be about counting your losses and she had to live for the future. The past, although painful at times, wasn't meant to be forgotten either. Kaien had taken a piece of her heart with him the day he died but that missing piece was nothing in comparison to what had been given to her by Ichigo. This time for sure she would go about things the right way. After all, how significant could a few rainy days be when she had a warm and bright star of her own?

**A/N:** I'm pretty happy with the length of this! I tend not to finish writing when I make stories too long so I feel I accomplished something today. I'm sorry if there are any grammar mistakes but English is not my first language and I had no one to proof read this for me. Well I hope someone out there enjoyed reading this...and reviews would make my day all warm and sunny...^-^


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